As macabre as it may sound, of course death is on most of our minds right now. The good news is, thankfully, that the majority of people infected with coronavirus will survive. The sad, sobering and thought-evoking news is over 50,000 Americans have died, over 200,000 people worldwide.
200,000 people. People that were fathers, mothers, brothers, sisters, sons, daughters.
Husbands and wives.
There are many heart wrenching stories about husbands and wives losing their partner of 40, 50, even 60 years.
What can that feel like to lose someone after a lifetime together?
What can it feel like to know the hole your absence would cause should you be the one to go first?
I don’t know.
I’ll never know.
Of all the things to evoke envy, it wouldn’t seem that a grieving husband or wife would be on that list.
But it is.
Not that I envy their pain.
Though maybe I do.
What is the saying?
Pain is the cost of love.
I’ll never feel that great pain because I am not experiencing that great love.
I’ll never have to worry about my husband mourning me. I’ll never have to assure him, insist, I’d want him to love and marry again should I go first.
It may sound like a terribly odd thing to long for, but I do.
To love and be loved so completely.
QuietRagingWaters 
I totally understand this. You miss what you never had. What you dreamed might be. Life with an alcoholic is so lonely. Often you try to be invisible or as small as possible to avoid their rages.
3 years ago I left my alcoholic husband. I never divorced him because I was to scared, to broken and my kids feared visitation.
Life stayed pretty much the same, except there wasn’t much yelling and we weren’t afraid all the time. Alcoholic husband would show up occasionally and remind us why we left. The emotional abuse continued towards me, but was less toward the kids. He offered no financial support of any kind.
I remained sad and broken and still wanted to be invisible, but my kids thrived.
Then one day this spring the strangest thing happened: I got asked out to dinner by a man who I had known for 5 plus years. He knew I was still legally married but felt like he could ask knowing I had lived separately for 3 years. I decided to accept. I met him at the restaurant because I wanted to be able to leave if I wanted to leave. It was perhaps one of the scariest dinners of my life. I was physically shaking and honestly wanted to throw up when we were sitting across from each other at the table. We order our food and he reaches across the table wanting to hold my hand while we wait. He prays over our meal once the food came giving thanks for our time together. I learn he does not drink. Not ever. I survive dinner and he asks if we could maybe go out again.
Needless to say, its a few months now and we are still seeing each other. I’m still scared fearing he’s going to suddenly change and start yelling or screaming or belittling me and he know this, but he still wants to keep seeing me. Calling me smart and beautiful and kind and always wanting to hold my hand. We go on walks after dinner. We talk about a lot of different things, trying to get to know each other. Everything being closed due to covid has us taking turns cooking and doing dishes. Just sitting on the couch watching movies.
I need to divorce my husband. My husband is avoiding me because I think he senses something has changed. I no longer engage or answer his calls. I only answer text messages that directly relate to our kids. I am ready to tell him its done. My friends who know me can see a change in me and know I’m finally ready.
Regardless of where this new relationship goes it’s made me realize a few things: I deserve to be happy and loved. Money helps but its not everything. Love is a verb, shown by actions. My husband never loved me. He loved my paycheck and controlling me by controlling all the money that went into our joint accounts. Isolating me.
Perhaps love is possible after all.
Hopefully family courts open up soon and I can finally get out of this mess. It’s been a long road to finally be ready.
So, don’t beat yourself up. It’s okay to mourn what you never had. It’s okay if it takes 3 years to get out and then another 3 years to get strong enough to divorce. People don’t understand. They can’t understand why we stay so long. They don’t know the fear and the doubt and wondering if its somehow all your fault. If you were a better spouse maybe the drinking would stop.
But maybe, someday, a person will enter your life who makes you feel valuable and the thought of love and not being alone the rest of your life may be possible.
Have hope
Don’t give up
You (we) can do this
Hugs
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This is beautiful, just beautiful!! Funny, I just realized this past week that yes, I do one day want to love and be loved again. Until then I thought (felt) that I once I am out, I want to live my life, enjoy my children as they grow, become adults and have families of their own, etc. and just be alone! I felt that with every fiber of my being but as I have been letting go of my marriage more and more, I’ve become aware I do still have the capacity to love and be loved. You’re so right – it’s not a “race,” it’s an evolving.
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I’m just checking in on you and making sure you are okay? You haven’t posted in w while now.
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