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~ Life With An Alcoholic Husband

QuietRagingWaters

Monthly Archives: February 2020

Little Changes – Big Feelings

29 Saturday Feb 2020

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I switched the carrier for mine and my children’s cell phones. In doing so, the account was taken out of my husband’s name and put in mine.

It hardly sounds that revolutionary but it created this odd, anxious – though not necessarily bad – emotion within me. Upon reflection, I realized the anxiousness was really the awareness that this is one more step in separating my life from his. And not just in the legal sense, but emotionally. Mentally. And I realized if just changing my phone account created an anxiety in me, no wonder it takes us so long to leave those that hurt us so dearly. Never – and I mean NEVER – would I have guessed it would be so excruciating to leave an unhappy, toxic marriage. This is why I object to the notion of “co-dependent.”

I am not co-dependent because I can’t walk away from my marriage.

I am human.

The Eyes Have It

17 Monday Feb 2020

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I don’t know what the Universe was trying to tell me, but it seemed to be trying to tell me something.

I was in Starbucks yesterday morning. (Definitely my Happy Place.)

I happened to notice a couple waiting for their coffee order. The woman seemed upset – not overly but still somewhat upset or concerned – about something. She was talking to her husband and though I couldn’t hear what she was saying, it didn’t matter nor was I that interested. What caught my attention was him.

And the way with which he was looking at her.

Pure interest and concern in his eyes.

I lost myself in thoughts about how I literally can’t remember the last time my husband even looked at me, much less with any kind of “interest” or “concern” in his eyes. As my mind was kind of ruminated on this, I took my gaze off of them only to see this young couple standing right in front of my table. His back was to me but she as gazing into his eyes, her eyes smiling true love.

Whenever I talk about other people’s lives or relationships, I feel the need to qualify it by saying I am not so young or naïve to believe the rest of the world has these “perfect” marriages or “perfect” relationships or “perfect” lives but the truth is, you lose so much (so, so, so much) in the alcoholic marriage that other people do enjoy.

Like someone gazing at your with love and concern and interest.

SOMETIMES I FORGET…

11 Tuesday Feb 2020

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alcoholic husband, alcoholic marriage, divorce, wife of alcoholic

The beast lies in wait in the tall grass of complacency.

You forget he’s there.

You move freely.

Too freely.

Because he’s always there.

Always waiting.

Always ready.

I hate him.

Ok, I hate him.

He ruined my life.

Now, I know, I know…

Life is all about how you allow someone to make you feel and life is about not allowing someone to take away your power and your life is only ruined by someone else as much as you allow them to ruin it but sometimes…

Some days…

Some nights when you have forgotten the beast that alcoholism is…

The beast that it made him…

You get caught.

The filthy claws slash though your flesh and soul.

And you wonder how you could have even POSSIBLY forgotten!

How you could have for one single, solitary, no matter how brief, moment taken your eyes off that grass.

How you could have possibly let yourself get close to that grass.

Where the beast will always be.

BUT…

08 Saturday Feb 2020

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alcohlic husband, alcoholic marriage, alcoholism, wife of alcoholic

I hope you’ve had a chance to hop over to my new website – WrenRWaters.com. I’m excited for this new venture and pretty proud that I managed to build a website because despite how “easy” the Internet world proclaims it to be, maneuvering your way through the website-building process is not so “easy” for those of us who grew up with four channels on television and car windows you had to actually roll up and down yourself.

But I did it.

I did and for that I am proud.

And the reason I did it is because I am at that place (finally? Finally.) where I realize (finally? Finally.) that “it” as in getting my life back, getting me back, living the life I want to live, being the person I want to be has nothing – N-O-T-H-I-N-G – to do with my alcoholic husband, my alcoholic marriage, the soul-sucking effects of his behavior, my grief over what was suppose to be and on and on and on. The fact is, we all have or come from “something.” A loss, a tragedy, a disadvantage, a challenge. It could be an alcoholic husband. But it could also be losing a husband to cancer or a freak car accident. It could be losing a child. Or it could be never having had the chance to have children. It could be chronic illness and/or pain. It could be something major with our parents or other family members. It could be an emotionally and/or physically abusive past or childhood. It could anything. No one gets to ride this ride called Life for free. But whatever path we have been trekking, eventually we converge at the same point on the trail where there is a sign that says “this way” and an arrow pointing to one singular path. Eventually, it is of no matter our different pasts because the way to our new futures is the same.

That’s what my new website is about.

Focusing on what I’ve learned – and how well I am implementing it – about how to move myself past the alcoholic husband path and onto the universal take-my-life back path.

But…

But I don’t want to totally ignore whence I came.

I don’t want to totally forget or abandon those of us, women in this suck-butt club, who haven’t yet found their way to the arrow. It’s been a long time coming, this awakening of mine but not so long that I forget what it’s like to feel completely mentally and emotionally debilitated by the behavior of an alcoholic husband. It’s been a long time but not so long that I have forgotten what it is to sit in my car in the driveway and cry or to hide in the basement and scream or to feel like I don’t even know how I can possibly survive the toxicity and chaos One. More. Day.

I don’t know if there’s a way to move faster down the alcoholic-husband-trail to the your-life-this-way trail head. We can only hear what we can hear when we can hear it. We can only do what we can do when we can do it. But perhaps there is a way for me to help you walk a little faster or jog for a bit or even full out run on occasion as you do move forward.

You are my peeps. You are my tribe. You are the reason I have found my way to the arrow. So I can’t just abandon you on the alcoholic-husband path.

But…

Eventually you have to leave that path.

So you can follow the real path.

The Your-Life path.

New Blog…New Book

03 Monday Feb 2020

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https://www.wrenrwaters.com/

The above is a link to my new blog!

I know, I can hardly keep up with this one so why would I start another one?

It’s been a long journey for me.

A lot of back and forth.

Some that I articulated here.

More that I simply lived and endured day after day.

Until I finally realized…

Finally got it…

I don’t fault myself for seeming to take “so long to get it.

I can’t even say I “wish” I realized it sooner.

I think I realized it exactly when I was able to realize it.

But here’s what I now know beyond even the tiniest shadow of a doubt:

If you want to change your life…

If you want to go from where you don’t want to be to where you do want to be…

If you want tomorrow to be different from all the yesterdays…

You have to STOP thinking about where you are but don’t want to be.

You have to CEASE lamenting all you don’t have but wish you did.

You have to LET GO of all that your life isn’t or wasn’t or won’t ever be and grab hold of all your life can be – as though it already is!

When you are married to an alcoholic, it seems logically that if you focus or concentrate on how horrible it is being married to him, you’ll find the energy and will to change the situation for yourself and your children, if you have any. But it turns out human nature is not quite so logical or obvious. I mean, at first glance it makes sense: if you keep at the forefront of your mind how much you hate your life, if you hold onto how disappointed you are in yourself, then you will fill up with the grit and determination required to change everything about yourself and your life.

If this was a game show, a loud, obnoxious buzzer would be sounding right now while a big giant X flashed on the screen.

Turns out the more the human psyche thinks or focuses on something – for better or worse! The more the human psyche works to keep that very thing a part of your Earthly experience.

And so it’s been with me for many years now.

All (ALL!) I was able to think about over the last years is how miserable it is being married to an alcoholic, how much I wanted to get out of said marriage and how horribly disappointed I was in who I had become. Turns out this is basically the trifecta of thought for keeping me right where I didn’t want to be, being who I did’t want to be.

So it’s time I start thinking – and writing- about different stuff!

Good stuff.

Fun stuff.

But also pensive stuff.

“Deep” stuff.

Life stuff.

Stuff that may not always fit neatly into the “alcoholic husband” category.

Stuff that, I hope, may be helpful or hopeful, interesting or inspiring to a reader even if she isn’t married to an alcoholic.

I will still write here – when my thoughts are heavy on the alcoholic-husband topic. But I suppose if I’m honest, my journey is to move away from all things alcoholic husband – my thoughts, my emotions, my life and yes, this blog.

It’s ok though.

It’s a good move.

The move I’ve been moving toward for a very long time now I suppose.

Which brings me to my new book. (I’ll put a link at the end of this post.)

I don’t think I mentioned “alcoholic husband” even once in my new book.

It’s a series of letters I wrote to my husband over the course of about 18 months as I came to terms with the ending of my marriage. I never planned to publish these letters so it is the most raw and vulnerable of anything I have written. Sometimes I wonder, is it “too” raw? “Too” vulnerable? I don’t know that one could think of it as a “feel good” book. Not in any sort of traditional way but maybe in a hopeful way. As a record of personal growth and change. When I began putting the letters together for the manuscript, I was a little taken back by the darkness that was coming through. The depth of emotional despair being revealed – and I lived it! But by the end, I think the letters reveal the start of a transition within me.

The move away from hopelessness to hope.

The shift from grief to healing.

The journey from broken…

To whole.

https://www.amazon.com/You-Know-Cry-During-Yoga/dp/1706407440/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=do+you+know+I+cry+during+yoga&qid=1580735281&sr=8-1

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