As a writer and (poorly consistent) blogger, I feel it’s kinda like my job to read other writers’ books and blogs on the subject of alcoholic husbands and marriages. And while of course I respect everyone’s journey and each marriage is different (but not really), blah blah blah, there is one thing that always gets my fingers twitching on the keyboard and that is the stories of women who choose to stay in their marriages. It’s not they choose to stay that gets me all banging-out-an-opinion on my laptop. It’s what seems an almost universal sense of superiority and self-righteousness.
Hey, if a woman wants to stay married to her alcoholic husband, seriously, I will not debate or argue or judge that. 100% that’s for her to decide.
But…
I will argue and debate (and probably judge a bit) the idea that somehow it is more noble to stay than to leave and/or that those of us who choose to get the hell out of drunken Dodge somehow give up on our marriages or betray our vows or abandon our husbands. There are only two kinds of marriages when it comes to being married to an alcoholic:
The marriage to a recovering alcoholic and the marriage to an active alcoholic.
That’s it.
If he’s an alcoholic, he’s either in recovery or he’s drinking.
No in-betweens.
And so, when a woman decides to stay, it makes a big difference which marriage she is deciding to stay in.
If she is staying in a marriage with an active alcoholic, 100% I will go to the mats on this, her life is greatly, greatly compromised. You just can’t live fully when you live with an alcoholic.
You.
Just.
Can’t.
Even if she attends Al-Anon, and sees a therapist and spends each day working to manage her emotions, her feelings, her reactions to his behavior and drinking, think (THINK!) where all that energy, all that passion COULD be going. It could be going to Her! Life! To her dreams, her goals, her desires and hopes and wishes and wants. Even supposed “detachment with love” is an everyday energy drain.
If a woman chooses to stay married to a man who is pursuing recovery, well, I can’t really comment on that since that’s not who my alcoholic husband is. But I will say this:
I am moving out this year.
I spent over 20 years married to him.
In that time, nothing has ever indicated he’s interested in “recovery.” (Why would he be? He doesn’t think he has a problem.)
I’m not giving up on my marriage or betraying my vows or abandoning him because I won’t wait another 20 years to see if he comes around.
I’m reclaiming my life.
QuietRagingWaters 
Doing the same thing. Married 27 years to a very high functioning alcoholic. I am currently back in school, year two, to start a new career. I have basically been a stay home mom teaching fitness and pilates part time while my boys were home. My program finishes in December 20. I wanted to wait and see if he would seek real recovery while I am in school getting financially independent but it’s not looking like it.
I sat down with him and read a him letter outlining my intentions if he won’t commit to recovery NOW and if not, advised him we can go mediation or each get our own lawyers which will be a financial disaster but that’s better than him possibly drunk driving again and us losing everything. I am so done with living life never knowing what my reality will be from day to day.
Been in Alanon and Love over Addiction program since things started progressing in the last 5 years. I have worked on me, and I am ready to be in charge of my life and not be affected by someone’s destructive behavior. Love is not enough when someone is going down the rabbit hole of addiction.
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To all who are still struggling, I wish you courage and strength. I began 2019 with a resolution, which I still have posted next to my PC. “My New Year’s resolution: To not stay married to someone who gets drunk every night and screams F-You at me on a daily basis. I am not happy. I need to take care of myself, whether or not he seeks help. Call a therapist. Call a lawyer”. I started with the therapist in January, and by April I had filed for divorce. It took until August to finalize the divorce, and it wasn’t easy, but in December, I moved into my new quiet and peaceful home.
If you want to stay with an alcoholic husband, use Wren’s very wise words to not only accept your situation, but take care of yourself and thrive. But if you have come to the conclusion that it is healthier for you to leave, then BELIEVE. You can do this! I read and re-read Wren’s blog posts and books (and many other excellent books on the subject) on an almost nightly basis to help me maintain my resolve. They were my inspiration and my courage and the backbone of my determination. I can’t pretend it was easy. But in my case, it had to be done. And while I deeply regret the loss of a marriage I tried desperately to salvage for many years, I am so happy that I came to finally accept that I can only change my own behavior, my own situation in life.
I also have posted next to my PC a little Q&A group recital that was part of a youth church group I attended many years ago. Remembering this also helped me through. WHO ARE YOU? I am me. HOW ARE YOU? I can be. HOW’S THE WORLD? The world is fine. HOW’S YOUR LIFE? My life is mine! WHO SAYS? I say!
Your life is yours. Don’t let it be defined by an unhappy marriage whether you choose to stay or go.
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