• About
  • My Books

QuietRagingWaters

~ Life With An Alcoholic Husband

QuietRagingWaters

Monthly Archives: November 2019

Tis The Season

29 Friday Nov 2019

Posted by quietragingwaters in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcohlic husband, alcoholic holiday, married to alcoholic, Thanksgiving with an alcoholic, wife of alcoholic

Happy Thanksgiving.

How was your turkey day?

Did you stay home?

Travel?

Have family in or just your immediate family?

Did you do the cooking?

The cleaning up? (Yes. to probably both I will guess.)

What was on your Thanksgiving menu?

Just the tradtional like turkey, sweet potatoes (marshmallowed or not-marshmallowed?), cranberry sauce, stuffing, green been casserole?

Or is your family a little more daring, adventurous with the meal? Maybe ham? Tacos? Forgo the sweet potatoes all together? (Hark!)

What about that side dish we seem to all share though no one “prepared” it?

The alcoholic outrage/outburst/tirade.

I don’t know why the holidays are ripe for the worse of an alcoholic’s behavior to erupt but they are. (I’m sure if I googled it, I’d find some definitive reason why the alcoholic’s abominable behavior is intensified during the holidays.) I guess I’m past caring about the why anyway. I just know it’s happening. It starts with Thanksgiving (or maybe even Halloween depending on the year) and goes right through to the new year. Like over-eating, over-spending and new year’s resolutions – it’s pretty much the same every year.

Yesterday my to-be-ex didn’t disappoint though he came up with a new line, a very telling line, a line where I thought he had no more mean, harsh, ugly, vile lines to offer. I told him to stop yelling and he said, (drum roll please),

I’m only yelling at you.”

Yeah, I know.

I said,

“I count. I! Count!”

In case no one has said it to you, really said it to you,

Happy Thanksgiving – as in “thank you.”

Happy Thanksgiving – as in “I love you.”

Happy Thanksgiving – “you are amazing.”

Happy Thanksgiving – thank you for reading and supporting me in this little blog-venture of mine.

Happy Thanksgiving – I love you in that I mean I don’t know you but I send love to you as a fellow human being and survivor of another person’s compulsive drinking.

And Happy Thanksgiving – you are amazing. We didn’t choose the best travel partners for this ultimate travel adventure called Life and yet, we all are keeping our heads up and looking forward.

Enjoy your holiday week-end.

And if you’re shopping, buy yourself a little something.

It doesn’t have to be big or expensive. Maybe just a candle or an inexpensive little piece of jewelry but something to remind you that you count.

You do indeed…

Count!

The One Thing I’ll Always Regret I Couldn’t Give My Children

20 Wednesday Nov 2019

Posted by quietragingwaters in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

We want the most for our children.

Of course we do.

The minute they are placed in our arms, we want to pave the way for them. Make everything ok for them. Protect and shield them from the harshness we know awaits every human being on the adventure called their Life.

But we can’t.

Of course we can’t.

I suppose it starts with the first immunization shot at the doctor’s office when they are so, so tiny and new to the world.

I cried as my son cried when the needle poked into his fleshy little thigh.

There was nothing I could do but hold him, love him and wait for both our tears to dry.

We can’t protect our children and we can’t give them all we wish we could.

I suppose that’s a good thing.

Children who are given everything and insulated from the consequences of their own actions and/or the world usually don’t make for the most pleasant, productive or even happiest of adults.

But of all the things I can’t give my children, there will forever be one thing I regret. One thing I am quite sure will pain me til the day I die.

I was reading an interview with Patti Scialfa, the wife of rock star Bruce Springsteen. She said no matter how old their three children get, they still don’t like to see her and Bruce engage in “PDA.” She said, I just tell them,

“Hey, one day you are going to be happy to know your parents really loved one another.”

Ouch.

I don’t know what my children feel or think in regards to me and their dad. We talk about their father’s behavior very little. The drunk, angry elephant in the living room. There have been snippets of conversations. Or should I say “monologues” because it was mostly me trying to at least acknowledge what was going un-acknowledged. I have never put my husband down, called him names or drug my children into the ugliness and complexities of their parent’s marriage but in the 20+ years we’ve been “doing this,” I couldn’t allow his behavior to go unchecked. I had to at least say, at some point,

“Hey. This is not how you treat your family or spouse.”

I can’t give them two parents who love each other.

The best I can do it seems is to give them a mother who doesn’t hate their father.

No Apologies

15 Friday Nov 2019

Posted by quietragingwaters in Uncategorized

≈ 1 Comment

There is a lot (A! LOT!) written on the topic of alcoholic marriages of course.

And through my very much un-scientific, I have come to the conclusion that much of what is written comes from the stand point of staying in the marriage.  How to survive being married to an alcoholic.  How to be happy even though married to an alcoholic.  How to navigate your relationship with your alcoholic husband.  How to help, not be an enabler, enable, avoid being “co-dependent,” what you are doing wrong, how to help your husband in his search for sobriety.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

If I sound cynical, I suppose I am.

To me, life is the ocean.

And your life is your journey swimming across that ocean.

And marriage to an alcoholic is doing it with a 150 pound anchor tied to your ankle.

Can you do it?

Yes, I suppose you can.

But can you do it easily?  With joy?  And can you go as far as you could if you were swimming freely and unencombered?

No, no you can’t.

No matter how strong you get, no matter how “used” to the weight you get, no matter how good you get at ignoring the anchor that threatens to drown you at any moment, you cannot swim and dive and play in the ocean of life as freely as one who is anchor-free.

People have challenged me on this stance.  Taken exception to the absolute in my stance.  Offered how they, indeed, are swimming free though still married to an alcoholic.

I’m not here to tell anyone their view is wrong, their reality is wrong, their way of living this thing called Life is wrong.  If someone says she feels happy and free and is frolicking through the sea of life like a playful dolphin –  despite being married to an alcoholic – ok. I may not fully believe her but I’m not going to challenge her. Make her “prove it.” That’s not my place or purpose in life.

But personally, I have come to the realization that living life to its fullest potential AND staying married to an alcoholic are mutually exclusive.  Most alcoholics do not seek sobriety and if they do, most don’t sustain it.  Sorry, but it’s true.  So you can’t hang your hat on that flimsy peg of hope.  And, alcoholism is a progressive disease.  There is no “not that bad” alcoholic.  There is no “status quo” in an alcoholic’s behavior.

It’s going to get worse.

He’s going to get worse.

The issue is how do you keep yourself from getting worse?

How do you keep your life from getting worse?

How do you swim as far as possible in this big, blue, beautiful ocean of life?

With as much joy and happiness as possible?

To the fullest extent of your potential?

For me?

In my opinion and from my experience?

You have to lose the anchor.

Feeling The Feelings

01 Friday Nov 2019

Posted by quietragingwaters in Uncategorized

≈ Leave a comment

Tags

alcoholic father, alcoholic household, alcoholic husband, divorce, living in an alcoholic marriage, wife of alcoholic

You can’t swing a metaphysical cat without hitting a writer, speaker, sage or motivational guru who will tell you that before anything – before the great job offer or the new dream house or the sports car in the driveway – comes into your life, you have to first feel the emotions of that thing. Everyone on the forefront of this whole metaphysical movement knows that the emotions are the horse and the manifestation the cart. Of course, the majority of us put the cart before the horse, declaring once that new job is here, the house is ours and/or the kazillion horse power of Italian engineering is puring under our buns, then we will be happy and satisfied.

But it’s the other way around the sages/gurus/random bloggers say.

Feel the feelings first.

Feel the joy.

The satisfaction.

The happiness of leaving your dream house to drive your dream car to the office of your dream job.

But recently, I realized something rather powerful.

Feeling the feelings ALSO allows you to bring forward the doubts, hesitaitons and limiting beliefs you may be having about achieving that trifecta of life’s success.

I started thinking about the day I move into my own house.

I was mentally watching the movers pack up my share of stuff and load it onto a truck.

I was bringing all the excitment and happiness and relief I will no doubt feel.

And then I got to the backyard.

We have one of those nice, big wooden playsets that my kids “grew up” on. That would move with me because there are young nieces and nephews in the family who will be visiting at my new house. As my mind saw it being dis-assembled and loaded onto the moving truck, I was suddenly struck by such sadness and grief. This house, that I hate so much, that I curse on a nearly daily basis, that I dream of leaving one day is the house where my children grew up. The house where all their holiday and summer and daily memories were created. Sure, they aren’t truly grown up and out of the house but they are teenagers. The new house, my house, will not be the house of their childhood.

It’s not reason to stay.

I know that.

But it was powerful (and important. Maybe even vital!) for me to feel that un-realized grief and loss. Is that was has been inadvertently holding me back?

It seems it would be (should be?) easy to end a marriage to someone who has a drinking problem, screams obscenities at you and spends his days checked out.

But it’s not.

Far from it.

So while I know that I need to dwell in the good feelings, the happy feelings, the feelings of success and contentment, I don’t think it’s a bad thing to occasionally let myself feel the feelings of loss. Pain. Grief.

So I can move past them.

Subscribe

  • Entries (RSS)
  • Comments (RSS)

Archives

  • December 2020
  • November 2020
  • April 2020
  • March 2020
  • February 2020
  • January 2020
  • November 2019
  • October 2019
  • September 2019
  • August 2019
  • May 2019
  • March 2019
  • February 2019
  • January 2019
  • December 2018
  • October 2018
  • September 2018
  • August 2018
  • July 2018
  • June 2018
  • May 2018
  • April 2018
  • January 2018
  • October 2017
  • September 2017
  • August 2017
  • July 2017
  • June 2017
  • May 2017
  • April 2017
  • March 2017
  • February 2017
  • January 2017
  • December 2016
  • November 2016
  • October 2016
  • September 2016
  • August 2016
  • July 2016
  • June 2016
  • May 2016
  • April 2016
  • March 2016

Categories

  • Uncategorized

Meta

  • Register
  • Log in

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Privacy & Cookies: This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this website, you agree to their use.
To find out more, including how to control cookies, see here: Cookie Policy