For so long now – for SO! LONG! “All” I have wanted is my own house!
My own house that is filled with color and over-stuffed furniture and whimsical art and…
Laughter and emotional safety and joy.
I just want my own house!
It’s a lament that has been echoing through my brain, heart and soul for years now.
And now something has happened…
Something that means I can no longer hide in my procrastination.
Something that if this doesn’t push me, I fear that nothing ever will.
My kids had friends over last night.
They got loud, as kids will do.
My husband told them to quiet down and they did.
Temporarily.
As kids will do.
My husband told them again to be quiet.
And then as he was walking away, past my daughter, he hissed in her ear,
“You guys are fucking pissing me off.”
She told me she wasn’t going to tell me “at first” because she fears me confronting him because he then yells at her for “tattling.” She was crying as she told me.
“Mom,” she sobbed, “he thought he was whispering but everyone heard.”
She was mortified.
I don’t know who this man is anymore.
He is not the man I married by a long shot.
How am I suppose to wrap my head around this kind of treatment?!
I promised her last night.
Promised, promised, promised…PROMISED her this was our last holiday season in the same house with him.
Now to make that happen.
“Just do what must be done. This may not be happiness, but it is greatness.” (George Bernard Shaw)
QuietRagingWaters 
I feel for you. I really do. It sounds like you might be there.. it’ sounds like it’s time.
I had similar experience only it was friends and neighbours. Stinking hot day, using our pool. Husband was on the deck watching cricket and drinking beers. He was very angry. Chucked a barking dog in the pool. People left soon after. We had words but I stayed. No one came to share the pool again.
A few years later and our kids (his kids, my step kids) had kids (our grandchildren) and as happens in families they came around for Sunday lunch. Less and less frequently. He would get angry at the little ones playing. Angry at me and the daughters laughing. Until they’d had enough and didn’t come again as a family. Dropped in a couple of times a year dutifully.
Don’t wait for that to happen lovely. Your kids know. Save yourself and your relationship with them and their children when they come.
I’ve been gone a couple of years now. Mostly there’s been peace once the initial storm passed, a few months. There’s been a lot of soul searching and some dark and lonely times. But that’s better than the toxic atmosphere I endured.
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I’ve seen your recent posts and have felt the need to reach out to you. You’re there. I’ve been there. Your blog helped me to get out. It’s over. But it’s not. My daughter’s dad dad called her a spoiled selfish little birch. He pitied the man who ever married her. Her friends knew. Her brother never had friends over. Our family was broken. It’s time. The trauma is real. The day I thought he was gonna punch me in the face was the end. .We got out. Of course its all my fault. Nobody supported me but a few really close friends. Nobody could see the abuse behind the closed doors. I allowed the alcoholic behavior. I enabled it. I wasn’t a good enough wife! I need to work through it. I decided I didn’t care. Nobody else was there, nobody really knew the behind the scenes.
But the abuse thats coming will leave you breathless. Once he knows you’re finally getting out he will be relentless. Verbal abuse. Telling you that you can’t make it without him. That you need him. That he does everything. That you will come crawling back and that he can’t wait to slam the door in your face. You can’t afford it. It’s terrible. You will be shaky and want to throw up. Doubt yourself. Stay strong. Stay strong! Get out! He will emotionally hurt your children during this time. Don’t tell him to til the last possible minute. We got out. Nothing packed less than a week before we left. Then he says I want you out by Sunday. House not available til Monday. More fighting. Ended up leaving on Wednesday. 6 hours. 2 mexican men who knew something bad was up but didn’t question. Luckily I had a lot of hidden boxes, but I thought I’d have more time. Not 6 hours and that’s it. So much I wasn’t able to take.
But it’s just stuff. It’s not that important. My house is mainly empty but its happy. The kids laugh. We don’t tiptoe around in fear. Its okay if laundry isn’t done or put away.
The past 2 years have been so hard. I’m scared about money. I’ve wasted money because my kids want ice cream at 10pm. Or a movie with popcorn on a Friday night. I want some memories with them. Fun memories. Different memories. I want them to laugh. I’m scared I will always be alone. That the problem was me. I miss what I never had. A loving, supportive husband who cared about me. About our family. Not the alcoholic who made me cook supper after surgery because he had passed out from not being able to drink the night I spent in the hospital. I want a life. Perhaps love. I am only just now, 2 &1/2 year’s later even able to consider it. I still don’t think I’m ready. But maybe. Soon.
Stay strong. We’re out here pulling for you. I know hearing its worse before its better is not what you want to hear. But you need to know. I wish I would have known.
Sad part is, even when you’re finally free he’s going to be a selfish, petty little child about everything. Especially about the kids. But even then it’s better. It’s not forever. The kids will eventually be adults. But they know. They see how he treats you.
Sending love, positive thoughts, and prayers your way…
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Thank you. Though that seems like such a trite thing to say when you have poured your heart out in support of me. But still, thank you! First, I want to say, you did not WASTE any money on ice cream or popcorn for you children. These memories are a necessity as much as breathing. Last Fourth of July we went to McDonald’s after fireworks. It took FOREVER! Everyone in the “world” was hungry; everyone had the same idea. So glad my husband wasn’t along. We laughed and talked and simply waited “forever” in the drive-thru line. Enjoy your new life. I’ll “see you soon.” 😉
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