Before I was married – and right up to just a few years ago – I felt I would never, ever have an affair. In fact, I didn’t understand how people could have affairs. I mean, how do you do That with someone else and NOT be thinking about your spouse? The betrayal? The consequences should you be discovered? The pain you are causing for what can only be considered purely selfish reasons?
Then this marriage of mine happened but I still wasn’t convinced. Sex is just so…intimate. I mean, even in a bad marriage, an unhappy marriage, a dead marriage, how could you…I mean it’s not like I’m 25 (or 35 or even 45) and especially excited about the idea of frolicking all naked between the sheets.
But I’ve had some old friends, old boyfriends, old crushes, old “flames” (ok, actually one of each) contact me and each made it clear that…
And I was tempted. Especially by the old crush! I mean, the chance to finally…that guy I secretly pined away for all those precious years back.
But besides feeling old and out-of-shape and like the poster child for “she let herself go,” there is something else that just won’t let me venture down that ill-trodded path.
And it has nothing to do with my husband.
It’s my children.
I thought about could I…would I…should I.
And then I thought about my children.
And what if they found out? I would be beyond embarrassed. Beyond horrified. Beyond humiliated. Oh, of course my children would forgive me. They’d put it “out of their minds” and maybe even one day, as fully grown adults, understand.
But I would never forgive me.
I could never put it out of my mind.
I have lost so much of Me to this marriage.
I won’t lose the respect of my children.