I am – finally! – committed to leaving my marriage.

May 2, 2020 is the day.

It’s my birthday.

A big one.

I can’t go into the second half of my life like this.

The pain and indecision of leaving a toxic marriage is far more complicated and convuluted than I would have EVER imagined!

Ironically, my indecision and procrastination was never out of the fear that I couldn’t make it on my own.

My indecision and procrastination was out of the fear that I could – and would – make it quite well on my own. That once I committed myself to and subsequently left, there would be no turning the car around.

I don’t know what my husband thinks or wants for that matter. I suspect as an alcoholic he wants things to stay just as they dysfunctionally are. Except nothing is EVER staying “as they are” in an alcoholic household. Things are ALWAYS getting worse.

Do I wish I had left sooner?

I suspect every woman married to an alcoholic wishes for “sooner” if and when she finally decides to leave. But you can only leave when you’re ready to leave. Few women, I think, in the early years of an alcoholic marriage, can really suspect, anticipate or trust how bad things are going to get. And then when things are bad, it’s getting your head around how bad they really have become. How much better they are never going to get.

The end of a marriage is a death and it should be grieved.

But I have grieved long enough.

It’s time to live again.