Monthly Archives: March 2019

I Thought The Resentment Would Go Away

20 Wednesday Mar 2019

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Now that I am truly committed to leaving my marriage, I thought the resentment I have toward my (to-be-x) husband would go away. Disappear. Leave me alone. I thought it would do so just sort of “naturally.” Automatically.

I thought very, very wrong.

Yesterday my kids were fighting.

A HUGE trigger for me.

One (ONE!) of the problems in an alcoholic family is that normal, to-be-expected, conflicts or incidents take on a beyond-normal signifigance. Kids fight. Especially teenagers. But because our household is so fraught with tension and unrest, my children fighting is a dangerous trigger for me.

And yesterday that trigger was pulled.

I started yelling and it was like I couldn’t stop. The laundry. The dirty dishes everywhere. The coats on the floor. The trash left on the counter. All of the “usuals” and then some I didn’t even know was brewing within me came spewing out. In my head, I kept telling myself, “Stop. Just stop.” But I didn’t.

Couldn’t?

I won’t say I couldn’t.

I will it was more like a release I wasn’t interested in arresting.

I’m not proud or even “ok” with my outburst.

I am deeply saddened.

I thought that was all behind me.

But I see so clearly now that resentment doesn’t simply go away – even if the cause of the resentment is removed. It is going to take work on my part.

There is no way (or need) to make a complete list of all the ways the alcoholic husband creates resentment in his wife. The loss is so extensive. Everything a woman thought her life was going to be is destroyed by an alcoholic husband.

That depth of resentment does not just “disappear.”

Motivational Monday: You Know You’re Ready When…

18 Monday Mar 2019

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Welcome to my new feature – Motivational Monday!! Each Monday I will post a video that resonates with me and a few words about what I have discovered now that I am committed to living the life of my dreams.

I have spent a long time – years upon years UPON YEARS – being so very unhappy in my marriage, with myself and with my life and yet I seemed unable to move forward. If you read anything by me, you know that I 100% reject the idea of co-dependency or enabler or any other (bull shit) label that places blame on the alcoholic’s wife. I didn’t stay where I was because I subconsciously needed it or secretly wanted my husband to keep drinking.

I stayed where I was because the process of change – no matter what your situation – is a complicated, convuluted process. And part of the complication, I believe, lies in the fact that we often try to motivate ourselves with the idea of getting out of our misery. We think the need to move away from a toxic husband or the desire to not live in chaos and dysfunction should motivate us to change. But the fact is moving AWAY from the bad or negative is a very poor catalyst for change.

What really helps create the movement for change in the human psyche?

Moving TOWARD the positive. Don’t think about climbing out of the mud: think about running to the sunshine. The truth is eventually all obstacles – be it an alcoholic husband or dysfunctional parents or mental illness or chronic illness or injury…the list goes on and on. There is no shortage of obstacles life can toss at us. But the truth is eventully the obstacle is Of. No. Consequence. What is of consequence is your mind set.

And when your mind is set on Creating a brilliant new life for yourself, rather than simply getting away from the unhappy life you’re living, you’ll know you are ready to bring great change to your life and within yourself.

Trying Not To Hate Him

14 Thursday Mar 2019

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As I become more and more invested in my journey out, I feel myself becoming even more critical of my (to-be-ex)husband’s behavior – both past and present. I don’t want to be critical of him. I don’t want to evaluate his behavior, think of how he has and does treat me. The whole point of leaving is to purge all that from my life and soul.

So why now?

Now that I am resolved and determined, why do I feel a new anger and resentment toward him.

I don’t know really but I can’t let myself hate him.

I can’t let myself spiral down into those thoughts.

If you read anything (and I read “everything”) about the metaphysical, you’ll know that the energy you put out into the Universe is the energy you get back. We have to be careful of our thoughts. We have to keep useless, negative emotions in check.

I know that.

I want to put all the resentment behind me.

Not for him, obviously.

For me.

So I have to try hard…

Not to hate him.

For his selfishness.

His verbal abuse.

His cruel coldness.

It’s the only way out.

Not This Time

12 Tuesday Mar 2019

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I am – finally! – committed to leaving my marriage.

May 2, 2020 is the day.

It’s my birthday.

A big one.

I can’t go into the second half of my life like this.

The pain and indecision of leaving a toxic marriage is far more complicated and convuluted than I would have EVER imagined!

Ironically, my indecision and procrastination was never out of the fear that I couldn’t make it on my own.

My indecision and procrastination was out of the fear that I could – and would – make it quite well on my own. That once I committed myself to and subsequently left, there would be no turning the car around.

I don’t know what my husband thinks or wants for that matter. I suspect as an alcoholic he wants things to stay just as they dysfunctionally are. Except nothing is EVER staying “as they are” in an alcoholic household. Things are ALWAYS getting worse.

Do I wish I had left sooner?

I suspect every woman married to an alcoholic wishes for “sooner” if and when she finally decides to leave. But you can only leave when you’re ready to leave. Few women, I think, in the early years of an alcoholic marriage, can really suspect, anticipate or trust how bad things are going to get. And then when things are bad, it’s getting your head around how bad they really have become. How much better they are never going to get.

The end of a marriage is a death and it should be grieved.

But I have grieved long enough.

It’s time to live again.