Welcome to my new feature – Motivational Monday!! Each Monday I will post a video that resonates with me and a few words about what I have discovered now that I am committed to living the life of my dreams.

I have spent a long time – years upon years UPON YEARS – being so very unhappy in my marriage, with myself and with my life and yet I seemed unable to move forward. If you read anything by me, you know that I 100% reject the idea of co-dependency or enabler or any other (bull shit) label that places blame on the alcoholic’s wife. I didn’t stay where I was because I subconsciously needed it or secretly wanted my husband to keep drinking.

I stayed where I was because the process of change – no matter what your situation – is a complicated, convuluted process. And part of the complication, I believe, lies in the fact that we often try to motivate ourselves with the idea of getting out of our misery. We think the need to move away from a toxic husband or the desire to not live in chaos and dysfunction should motivate us to change. But the fact is moving AWAY from the bad or negative is a very poor catalyst for change.

What really helps create the movement for change in the human psyche?

Moving TOWARD the positive. Don’t think about climbing out of the mud: think about running to the sunshine. The truth is eventually all obstacles – be it an alcoholic husband or dysfunctional parents or mental illness or chronic illness or injury…the list goes on and on. There is no shortage of obstacles life can toss at us. But the truth is eventully the obstacle is Of. No. Consequence. What is of consequence is your mind set.

And when your mind is set on Creating a brilliant new life for yourself, rather than simply getting away from the unhappy life you’re living, you’ll know you are ready to bring great change to your life and within yourself.

I am – finally! – committed to leaving my marriage.

May 2, 2020 is the day.

It’s my birthday.

A big one.

I can’t go into the second half of my life like this.

The pain and indecision of leaving a toxic marriage is far more complicated and convuluted than I would have EVER imagined!

Ironically, my indecision and procrastination was never out of the fear that I couldn’t make it on my own.

My indecision and procrastination was out of the fear that I could – and would – make it quite well on my own. That once I committed myself to and subsequently left, there would be no turning the car around.

I don’t know what my husband thinks or wants for that matter. I suspect as an alcoholic he wants things to stay just as they dysfunctionally are. Except nothing is EVER staying “as they are” in an alcoholic household. Things are ALWAYS getting worse.

Do I wish I had left sooner?

I suspect every woman married to an alcoholic wishes for “sooner” if and when she finally decides to leave. But you can only leave when you’re ready to leave. Few women, I think, in the early years of an alcoholic marriage, can really suspect, anticipate or trust how bad things are going to get. And then when things are bad, it’s getting your head around how bad they really have become. How much better they are never going to get.

The end of a marriage is a death and it should be grieved.

But I have grieved long enough.

It’s time to live again.