I went to dinner with an “old friend” the other night.
We hadn’t seen each other in a couple years and there was lots of catching up to do, starting with she and her husband of 20+ years had divorced. I was and wasn’t surprised. I wasn’t surprised that it was necessary but since they do not have children, I thought perhaps they would just live their separate lives together til “death do them part.”
When we saw each other more regularly, I saw a lot of similarities between her hubsand and mine and our marriages though hers was without the alcoholism and toxicity. But both of our husbands just went to work, came home, sat in front of the television, went to bed and got up to do it all again the next morning. She said the divorce was sad, just mostly sad and she feels a lot of guilt but she is happy now!
And dating a GREAT guy.
I told her about my situation though I “glossed over” the true ugliness of it. Not that I felt I had to hide it or protect anyone (me or my husband) but in the best way, the conversation was about us, what we wanted from life, what we needed, what wasn’t right. There was no need to go into any salacious details. She asked what my financial plan was and I had to admit I didn’t have the most sound one in place but she said,
“Well you’re one of the strongest women I know so I know you can do it.”
I hear that a lot.
That I’m a strong woman.
I don’t say that to brag.
Quite the opposite.
I say that because I don’t feel what other people graciously see.
I feel like a fraud, a liar, a fake.
I feel like someone who can astutely recognize what other people need to do and yet can’t do it herself.
I feel so defeated and broken by this marriage.
I picked my son up from a friend’s house last night.
A house that was a neat, comfortable home.
I thought about our house.
Projects half finished. Repairs waiting to be done. There is no doubt our house is the physical manifestation of the collective emotional energy of my family.
Everything, everyone just so broken.
It’s not as though I am without plans, intentions.
Hope even.
I wake up every morning hopeful.
And I go to bed every night defeated.
Again.
How do you dig yourself out of the quagmire that has become your life?
The irony (tragedy?) is I know everything I need to do.
I know I can no longer “blame” my husband or my marriage.
I know that life serves us all obstacles, injustices, tragedies and heartaches.
You’ve heard the saying, “Not my circus. Not my monkeys?”
Yes, but in life you still have to clean up the poop.
Because when someone else has parked their mental circus in the driveway of your life and their monkeys are wreaking havoc on you…
All you can do is grab a broom.
So why don’t I?
im going to start going to Alanon meetings, maybe you should try it too…and keep going. Time to take responsibility for my own feelings, life, and actions…and stop just repeating the same story over and over. We can do better, and we must so we can feel at peace within ourselves.
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It’s hard. Even knowing you want to and should leave is hard. I left after 18 years and we’ve been separated for a while and now I think headed for a divorce. I think I’m finally ready. The feeling of failure is there. But he still feels like he can emotionally abuse me. I let him. Hoping he will make an effort to be a father for our children. But I’m done. I realize that I miss what I never had. The dream of a spouse and partner who loved me just isn’t my reality. He still says the reason he drinks is because I was a crappy wife. That hurts. I really did try. The rational part of me says that it’s a lie. But the pain is real. I can’t see life on the other side once this marriage is over. But I don’t want to be afraid when I get a text message or when my phone rings. My life without him is almost unchanged. Take care of the kids, work, laundry, cooking…it’s all still there, except for the fact that there is almost no yelling ever and if we want to go to a movie or get ice cream and its 10pm we can. But it’s still hard. I pray that it gets easier. For all of us. We deserve better. Or at least we deserve to have peace and feel safe.
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You, your life, everything sounds exactly like me and my life! The pain is more than I would have ever expected. Why does it hurt so much to leave someone who is destroying me while he destroys him? I’m not co-dependent; I’m not an enabler. I’m a woman who, like so many of us, signed up for something we didn’t get and accepting that is a long, winding process.
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