When your husband is an alcoholic, it will make you feel miserable, hopeless, overwhelmed, irritable, depressed, angry, hostile, lonely.
Until you decide it doesn’t.
This is not to say you shouldn’t feel those things.
In fact, I think you have to.
You have to go through the storm.
But keep going.
Every morning for the past two, three, four, five years – I lost track – I would wake up hopeful and optimisitc.
The day before me was going to be The Day I changed.
I wouldn’t suffocate my feelings with food.
I wouldn’t yell at my kids.
I wouldn’t hate my life.
And every night when I went to bed, I felt I had failed.
I ate too much.
I yelled a lot.
I spent the day cursing my life and myself.
But I never gave up.
I didn’t even realize it but I never gave up.
I’d wake up the next morning with the same hope and optimism.
And yes, I’d go to bed with the same sense of defeat and failure.
But in between, I was reading and writing, journaling and “googling.”
I was finding other people – writers, speakers, sages – and I was listeing to their words. Reading their teachings.
Then yesterday I came upon this fella “Gary Vee” and the things he said and the way he said them just clicked.
It didn’t have to be him.
(He’d probably agree.)
But now I see, it was going to be someone because I never quit.
Even when I felt like I was quitting, I actually never quit.
I’m kind a proud of myself for that.
I think you have to feel the anger and hostility, the regret and despair but you feel them so you can move beyond them.
One day, in the words of Gary Vee, you have to say “fuck him!”
My life is no longer about him, his drinking or even the fall out of his drinking. That is all his to own.
My life – and this blog – is now about Me.