I think I have posted this video already but it’s just too darn appropriate for how I am feeling and what I want to say for me to not post it again now.

I knew I hadn’t been keeping up with my blogging but I didn’t realize it had been many months since I posted.

Where have I been?

Just the usual places one goes when married to an alcoholic.

Despair.

Despondancy.

Defeat.

I’ve sat down many times to write a post (I can show you all the attempts in my “draft” folder) but I never seemed to strike that vein of writing gold. Everything I tried to write seemed too redundant or tired or pointless. What was there for me to say anymore?

I am married to an alcoholic and my marriage, my days, my life has become about nothing more than surviving from one day to the next.

How many times, how many different ways, could I write that I am dying – spiritually, mentally and emotionally if not physically.

When would you have read enough about how draining and debilitating it is to live with an alcoholic? After all, that’s nothing new I am informing you about.

So the drafts kept piling up in the “draft” folder and the “I need to write a blog post” was pushed further and further to the back of my mind.

And then a man wanted to sleep with me

Ha!

How’s that for inspiration for a blog post?

The semi-short version is this man, let’s call him “Pete” is someone I knew many, many years ago. He was that guy in your life where there was definitely chemistry, a spark, interest on both parties’ part and yet the timing of your two lives just never seemed to be in sync. Or, to put it another way:

I was really gaga for him and he always seemed “interested” but never quite “interested enough” to ask me out.

Well, apparently he finally got interested 15 years later and got in touch with me. Did I mention he has a wife?

He does, as I have a husband, but for several months we enjoyed fun, flirtateous banter via text and a rare phone call here and there. Nothing blatant or obvious but certainly suggestive and hinting at something more. I will tell you honestly, I enjoyed it. I felt giddy and school girlish and alive. I felt like the video!

Over the last few years, I have thought a lot about whether I could have an affair. Not with anyone in particular – just in theory – but now here was a real chance. Risk. Believe me, I never thought this was a question I would EVER be pondering! And I was afraid if I saw him, I might not be able to resist.

The day came when he was in town (he lives out of town but travels for work) and we arranged to meet for lunch. I wasn’t worried about seeing him: I knew I wasn’t going to run off in the middle of the afternoon to find someplace to…

We had lunch, catching up on each other’s lives and then just as we were about to leave, he says to me,

“So next time I am in town, should we get a hotel room?”

WHAT?!! My head screamed but my mouth just stammered something like,

“Uh, I don’t know. How would that work?”

He kind of chuckled and said,

“Just like lunch. Except a lot more fun.”

I was dumbfounded and of all the things I could have said, should have said, I just mumbled something about I’d think about it. Later that night I texted him and said I could never do that. He said that was “ok” and he wasn’t sure he could either. (BULLSHIT!)

If you think I was mad, I wasn’t. I was more incredulous.

And then I just found the whole thing ridiculously funny.

What if he had come into town, taken me out to dinner, made me feel beautiful and wanted? In my mind, that was the scenario I was expecting. And one I feared would leave me unable to resist him. I never dreamed of the two of us leaving our spouses and running off together but I did dream of a good old heart pounding, adreline-rush, secret meetings affair. An affair that made ignited something in me. An affair that made me feel alive once again.

But instead, he says,

“Hey, you want to get a hotel room.”

Charming. (NOT!)

I’m glad. I really am. Had it not been for his awkward, pathetic pass, I may have made a grave error in judgement. The truth is I don’t want to have an affair, though not so much because of my husband. (If he was the only consideration, I’d probably do it sadly.) I don’t want to have an affair because of my children and myself and honestly, his children and his wife. Can you imagine if we were found out? What do you say to your children? I would be horrified to think of them finding out something like that about me, their mother. And what about his wife? There would be a woman out there who hated me. Not that I would blame her but the idea of someone who never met me, someone who is probably a nice person, hating me, really bothered me.

It’s probably good it happened the way it did. It reminded me that everything I seek lies within me, not outside me. The passion, the zest, the quest to live again – I have to get that from me. (With maybe a little help from a music video.)