People in the “outside” world seem to be befuddled by the fact that the wives of alcoholics don’t simply run for the door the first time they trip over a pile of “empties.” They think drinking problem = marriage dissolution. No questions asked. No doubt. No remorse or hesitation. If only it was that simple.
Or easy.
Or painless.
No, leaving our alcoholic husbands is never simply, easy and certainly not painless though that seems to befuddle the outside world as well. Why would we grieve leaving some “no-good drunk” of a husband?
Well, for lots of reasons I won’t go into right now. What I will go into is why I finally (finally?) feel ready to leave. Ironically, it has nothing to do with his drinking, per say.
I asked my husband if he wanted to take a vacation this summer.
“We can’t afford it.”
“Who is going to watch the dog?”
“I don’t know if I can get off work.”
No sooner did he finish his last objection thent I realized,
“Oh my God! I have been listening to these excuses for 20 years!”
Everything – EVERY! THING! I have ever – EVER! – presented to my husband in terms of our lives, direction we might take, dreams we might pursue, adventures we might create has always – ALWAYS – been met with the same – SAME – reasons why we CAN’T.
First and foremost is the steadfast,
“We can’t afford it.”
I don’t care if I was suggesting planting a willow tree in the backyard or taking an overnight trip to the lake.
“We can’t affort that.”
It’s his go-to, his safety, his stand-by.
Then, depending on the situation, he has his alternates.
The dog is a popular one for any sort of trip.
“What are we going to do with the dog?”
When I suggested we be foster parents (this was LONG ago, when I would even dare suggest such an idea), I guess since money is hardly an issue there, he had to pull out the,
“We don’t have room for that.”
There is also his all encompassing,
“That will never work.”
So when he said we “can’t afford” a vacation this summer, it hardly seemded the sort of thing that would cause a deep revelation within me. But that’s the thing with “revelations;” they may seem sudden, like a volcano erupting, but really they have been a long time coming. Like a volcano after all. The energy brewing and percolating beneath the surface, “undetected” until the day…
And so last night when my husband began with his litany of “can’ts,” it hit me,
“He will never want to do anything.”
His excuses are just that. Excuses. The real “excuse” is he doesn’t want to or can’t leave his comfort zone. He wants to work, come home, drink only to wake up and do it all again the next day. Now I by no means think he’s happy or fulfilled. No, I know he is quite unhappy but he’s not going to challenge that. He’s not going to work to Be happy. He’s just going to sit in our house, worrying and yelling about about money until the day he dies.
And THAT is why I finally feel ready to leave.
Because I want to LIVE…
Until the day I die.
QuietRagingWaters 
what you wrote resonates with me so much, he doesn’t want to “live” and do fun things because his routine of drinking at night at home and passing out won’t allow him to enjoy it…the urge to drink and pass out is so strong that when he goes out at night with friends…if he’s not drinking “enough” he has to go home by 10pm so he can drink more… and of course he says no thanks, don’t feel like it when I ask him to go for a hike somewhere close by on a weekend, or go to the beach for a couple of nights…
why would he want to actually go and do something fun with me when he can just watch TV and drink and pass out? Sad but true.
I want to LIVE…so I’ve been going without him. On one trip I ran into some friends of ours – a couple – he works with the guy and they were on a nice coastal getaway and there I am alone 🙂 story of my life, they asked “Where’s R?” and I said… he didn’t want to come, and more but I won’t get into it…because the truth is I am not afraid of talking about his habits that I don’t like with his friends…but guess what, they can do nothing about it…in the end it’s up to me as to what I accept to live with.
Not a healthy partnership as marriage should be when one person has an addiction like this.
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I hear you strength within. Mine wanted to leave social gatherings early so he could get home and hit the bourbon. Then he stopped attending altogether. Thereafter anyone who wanted to see him had to go to him. If he didn’t hear from them for a while he’d complain. I’d say “you could call them you know””. He rarely did and then stopped completely. And funnily enough people stopped coming round.
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That was one of my epiphanies too. I was worn out hearing why everything couldn’t be done – including minor everyday stuff like the lawn, the dishes, taking a shower, and going to medical appts. My realisation that I’d be sat there listening to endless complaints about his symptoms, about the dog, the neighbours, the council, our family and friends, (not much action there in a long time as long run for the hills) , how the world was out to get him, with no joy in anything. If I tried to speak I was talked over and/or dismissed. I broke. Shattered. Shut down. Then I ended it about a month later. I wanted life.
He now lives alone in a pigsty and of course that’s “all my fault. “. I’m hounded and harassed. Went no contact 2 months ago. I still receive sqillions of texts but have them on silent. I can’t block him completely , just in case. Youngest step daughter is bearing the brunt and I need to support her. The other 2 have pretty much washed their hands of him.
How did it come to this ?
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