just a cigar.”
So said Ernest Hemingway in response (or defense maybe) of “all” the symbolism in his writing. Sometimes there wasn’t any symbolism at all. Sometimes…
But what about when the cigar is not “just” a cigar?
Or the empty kitchen kitchen trashcan liner-box is not JUST an empty kitchen trashcan liner box?
The last two days have been horrible, as evident by my “rapid” succession of posts. (Misery does make for prolific writing.) But like any volcanic eruption – the firey, molten lava kind or the emotional kind – after the violence comes a strange calm. The release of energy – again be it of the raging hot-rock variety or the emotional varity – is cathartic. Maybe not for the villagers at the base of the volcano or the children who live with the “volcano” but certainly for the volcano/”volcano.” And so now that I am purged of that intense build-up of angry energy and resentment, I can seem to go back to relatively “normal” living.
So I decided to clean out the pantry.
And in that pantry I found…
The empty kitchen trashcan-liner box.
Seems innocuous enough, right?
Except that box represents everything I have been screaming about for the past two days.
No one does ANYTHING around here…including throwing out an empty box.
(I do realize that my husband actually PUT a trashcan liner in the kitchen can, hence the empty box I have to deal with but I think we all know that’s not the norm…)
Now of course I would sound like a lunatic and a bitch should I start screaming about that empty box. And because I had an emotional eruption over the past two days, I don’t even feel the need to scream.
But you know what that box is?
It’s the beginning of my next eruption.
It’s the dormant magna that will one day become the explosive lava, ash and rock of my emotional volcano.
I know this is unhealthy for me and my children.
I know I should find a way to never let the volcano build up in the first place.
I know that my tactic of simply sucking it up for months until I lose it over “just a cigar” is hardly a joyful way of living.
I just don’t know how to do things any differently.