Well, maybe not away but sleeping it off, the family will…

Most certainly not play.

More like implode.

Last night was a terrible night. All the kids and me fighting with each other, yelling, stomping off, slaming doors.

And why?

Well, would that be “why” as in the immediate why or “why” as in the real reason?

The immediate why is because I lost my shit over the kids’ dirty dishes, dirty clothes, have-eaten leftovers, etc., etc. all over the house.

The deeper why, the real why if you ask me is because the pressure and stress of living with an alcoholic husband eventually makes you snap.

And here’s the saddest thing:

I know it’s because of him.

I know it’s the stress of living with an alcoholic.

I know while he sleeps it off, we all bear the weight of his behavior.

And yet…

When nights like tonight happen, I blame myself.

I blame myself because my kids are counting on me – they NEED me – to hold together. To shoulder this burden silently. To shield if not his behavior from them, at least my stress and anger. I blame me because when I hold it all inside, they do better.

A lot to ask of myself?

Of course it is but that’s the nature of the alcoholic household.