May 1.

Good bye April.

I normally like April.

It’s such a nice month.

Normally.

How can you not like April?

Even the name “April” is so pleasant to me.

But April betrayed me this year.

For some reason it seems April was when all (ALL!) the years of living in an alcoholic marriage decided to take their cumulative toll on me.

I just kind of gave up in April.

Stopped trying to keep the kitchen clean.

Stopped worrying about staying on top of the laundry.

Stopped caring what the house looked like.

Just kind of stopped it all which may actually sound like it could be psychologically healthy but I also stopped going to CrossFit and writing and trying in general to prevent my soul from completely disappearing down the rabbit hole of his drinking.

This is why I do not (DO NOT!) believe in the idea of “detachment with love.” Whether you are trying to “detach” from your alcoholic husband or the chaos of an alcoholic household, it’s very hard (impossible?) to stop caring while still caring.

Huh? You ask.

Exactly.

How do I “detach” myself from my husband but still love him? Isn’t attachment the very essence of love?

And how do I “detach” myself from the clothes no one else ever picks up, the dishes no one else ever does, the trashbag no one else ever changes, the dog no one else ever feeds and yet still do the dishes and the laundry, change the trashbag and feed the dog?

I don’t think detachment is the answer.

I think the answer is acceptance.

As in accept it…

So I can change it.

Hopefully May will prove more of an ally than April was.

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