Every alcoholic marriage is the same – just in a different way.
My marriage is empty and vacant and flat.
There actually is not a lot of yelling and screaming.
It’s more silence and buidling tension.
Stress sitting right beneath the surface.
Just waiting.
For a night like tonight.
And in between nights like tonight, somehow I seem to have forgotten how bad it is.
Tonight my husband screamed (SCREAMED) for probably 20 minutes about fucking this and fucking that and sick of fucking me and fuck you and shut the fuck up and he wishes he could fucking leave and he has no fucking money and he’s so fucking tired of fucking me.
To be fair, it was me who got angry first. The kids were frustrating me. I was tired. The house was it’s usual wreck that no one seems to notice but me. I wanted to take a nap. The dogs were barking, etc., etc., etc. Actually pretty normal stuff for raising a family.
But what’s not normal is you are not allowed to get angry or frustrated or overwhelmed when you are married to an alcoholic. You are not allowed to vent or lose it or wig out. Because the minute you lose your temper over no one cleaning the kitchen or wet towels on the bathroom floor or dirty dishes all over the house…
The alcoholic takes that as permission to scream and yell and be as nasty as he wants to be.
People get frustrated in marriages. Mothers all over the world get angry at the lack of family participation when it comes to keeping a home. Wives, I dare say in galaxies everywhere, become annoyed with their husbands’ frat-house like habits. Nothing is un-normal or even particularly destructive about a mom saying, “Hey! I’m sick of being treated like the maid.”
But a husband/father responding with a 20 minute, profanity-laced tirade that serves NO PURPOSE and promotes NO COMMUNICATION or understanding is NOT normal and it is profoundly destructive.
How did I forget how bad the other side of Nothing is?
QuietRagingWaters 
Omg, I thought this: “But what’s not normal is you are not allowed to get angry or frustrated or overwhelmed when you are married to an alcoholic. You are not allowed to vent or lose it or wig out. Because the minute you lose your temper over no one cleaning the kitchen or wet towels on the bathroom floor or dirty dishes all over the house…The alcoholic takes that as permission to scream and yell and be as nasty as he wants to be” was just in my house.
Now I’m gone (1 year this week) I get it in text/message.
That song . . Oh wow. I so have to concentrate on the last line.
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the reason why I have been away and not commenting is exactly that – reading your posts just makes it all so clear – its about the nothingness and it is so freaking sad…sometimes easier to not go there…but in the end, we are still in it – living it and slowly dying, each day. We deserve better – be smart, move towards change and believe you can make the best life for yourself. I’m starting to let go of my fear or better yet becoming more afraid of never leaving and staying/dying…I want to LIVE. I deserve to live a true, peaceful, healthy life that means something to me – that I agree with. I do not agree with a life with an alcoholic, I know I do not want that! I have to be the one to change, and let go.
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