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alcoholic father, how to survive an alcoholic husband, living with an alcoholic husband, you and your alcoholic husband
is it your fault if they drown?
I tried talking to my husband today about our marriage.
He said, to paraphrase, he’s tired of walking on egg shells around me; I am always angry and mad; nothing he does makes me happy; I am the unhappiest person he has ever met and…
Wait for it…
He doesn’t know how much more of our marriage he can take.
I looked around, half expecting to see Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter popping out of the closet.
It’s insane.
It’s crazy.
It’s mindboggling.
And dangerous.
Do you know I have – and did – actually stop and think,
“Could his perception be the accurate one?”
Look, life is all about perception.
For even the healthiest of adults and relationships.
But some perceptions just have to be more accurate than others, don’t they?
In the alcoholic marriage, who is the problem?
Really?
Well, it can become that you both are.
I am angry.
I am unhappy though only with and around him.
He does piss me off with just about everything he does.
(And by “everything” he does, I mean the NOTHING that he does.)
But this is how I see it, the alcoholic spouse “starts” it.
How do you not become angry and moody and unhappy when you are called a fucking bitch, told to shut the fuck up and emotionally ignored and by passed by the one person who is suppose to be with you through it all?
The alcoholic starts it.
But it’s up to you and me to end it.
That is, we have to save ourselves, even if it means leaving our husbands behind to drown.
It’s not an easy choice.
Not in the least.
But you can’t make someone swim.
And you can’t make someone save their marriage or themselves.
I agree. Not sure why I am still living this way. Not sure why I have such a hard time thinking of creating a new life. I want more, deserve more and he is not changing – it’s my choice but it is so sad and hard to break up a family, even a dysfunctional one… Need to realize there is light on the other side, in a new space as single me.
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Exactly. We are the ones who will be “responsible” for breaking up the family. The outside world doesn’t understand that responsibiity, that loss. My children will say YOU…left daddy. YOU took us away…that’s a hard, life-long burden to bear and I’m afraid the thought of it cripples us.
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It’s as if you read my mind. When we had a talk
Recently – My husband told me that iI’m a “glass half empty” person and he is a glass half full. Interesting choice of words as he’s always filling up his glass. I actually told him that this is not what a marriage should be – I daydream about setting him up in a little apartment or trailer- he can drink all he wants and smoke his cigars and not shower and pretend he’s happy. I am more at peace when he’s not around.
He told me that the problem with our marriage is that I can’t just go with the flow and I catastrophise about everything. It’s not that bad he says. Then I feel like I’m crazy! Your falling down and peeing yourself on the weekends is acceptable? Your not being present in the family at all is okay? Your doing nothing at all EVER around the house and letting me do everything is no big deal?
What about his health? I can see him deteriorating before my eyes. He’s in complete denial. He’s lost weight because he would rather drink than eat. He thinks he’s healthier because he lost weight. You are so right— he says I’m always swimming against the tide – well at least I’m swimming. We cannot save them and cannot make them swim.
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I hear you all ladies. My AH is drowning now. In his own place not too far away. And it hurts. A lot. But as each day passes I see a little more clearly that There is nothing that I can do. Nothing. He says he loves me. Wants me back, but continues to do nothing to WIN me back. He IS lonely but that doesn’t outweigh everything else. Not eating, not showering, blaming others for misfortunes (real and imagined). I ache at times. At others there is an inner peace. I am lonely too. Starting again at 58 is no easy feat, and I have set myself on an uncertain path.
I cooked a lunch for myself, my husband and my elderly motherinlaw. I packaged it up, picked up my husband and we ate at my MIL’s. It was a cheerless affair. He ate about 5 green beans and a slice of meat. She and I made the best of it. He forgot to take beer, so soon after we’d finished he wanted to go home. I obliged.
Keep the Faith.
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Dear S- so difficult. I feel for you. I think your current situation is what I conjure up in my mind for my “plan b” in the future. I know it’s not as simple as I think it will be. Set him up in A little apartment all by himself not too far away so that we don’t have to live with the insanity of it all anymore but I can help him as he has nobody else. Crazy situation for sure. Fir now I’m taking it one day at a time.
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well its the way its worked out I suppose, We ARE separated. I HAVE left him. But I am still involved. Heavily. I will gradually melt away I guess. Who knows.
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