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~ Life With An Alcoholic Husband

QuietRagingWaters

Monthly Archives: December 2016

My Family Update

31 Saturday Dec 2016

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All was quiet today at my home.

It happens like that after a blow-up.

I have spent the entire day thinking about my children, what is going on, how I can best help them, etc. etc.

(Not like that is a constant theme running through my head…)

The greatest conflict – where my children are concerned anyway – is my youngest son and my daughter, the youngest, only girl.  The contempt they have for one another is palatable.  After dwelling on it all day, I think the dynamics between them are such for a several reasons.

A) At nearly three years apart – my daughter is ten and my son will be 13 in January – they are the closest in age.

B) There is the boy/girl factor at play but also they are the most different from one another than all my children.

C) I saved the best for last – they are experiencing an intensity to their father’s drinking that my older boys did not know.  When my older kids were this young, my husband’s drinking and accompanying behavior wasn’t yet “this bad.”  We travelled, hiked, went to the movies…did things as a family.

My husband and I could actually drive down the street together – IN THE SAME CAR!!

But now the drinking and his behavior as esculated and this is what my younger children are experiencing in their formative years. Of course they were along for the “fun times” but as babies/toddlers/little kids, they don’t remember much of it.

So how can I help them?

What can any of us as mothers do?

Well, it’s the proverbial “put your own oxygen mask on first” analogy.

I’ve made the decision 2017 is going to be all about me!

As in healing me and finding my way to the life I want to create for myself and my kids.  I am going to put fixing or saving my kids’ relationships on the back burner for 2017.  It’s scary and nerve-racking to think of doing that – what if next year is “too late?”  What if they never heal their relatioships?

That’s the risk I have to take because trying to “fix” them while I am broken myself isn’t really working.

The Saddest Family

29 Thursday Dec 2016

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how to raise children with an alcoholic father, the alcoholic household, tips on life with alcoholic husband, you and alcoholic husband

A friend of mine – also married to an alcoholic – suggested to me that I write a book about how to raise children in an alcoholic household.

While I greatly appreciate her faith in me, I kind of laughed and said,

“I’m not doing that good a job myself.”

My children loath each other.

I’ve said it before but it can bear repeating:

It’s not simple sibling rivalry.

They are creating resentments in one another and in themselves toward each other that I fear will never be able to be un-done.

Two cousins – brothers – came over yesterday to spend the rest of their school vacation with us.  Tonight the older brother felt sick and asked that I take him home.  I told his little brother that he was welcome to stay but he said,

“No, I don’t like to stay without my brother.”

And this kid LOVES to come to our house, let me tell you.

But not without his brother.

The irony is their father is an alcoholic as well.

(I know. It seems alcoholics are like rats. EVERYWHERE.)

And quite the ugly one too, I will say.  I’ve heard him call his kid “fucking stupid,” stop being a “fucking idiot,” etc., etc.

Yeah, good stuff.

And yet those brothers have each others backs.  Those brothers are there for one another.  I feel like my kids wouldn’t throw water on one another if they were on fire.

I came home tonight from taking the boys home.

My husband “two sheets to the wind.”

He went to bed.

Normally I spend time with each of my children one on one.  Rarely do I do anything with any combination of them or all of them together.  But hope springs eternal.

I thought we could all watch a movie or something together tonight.

Enjoy the Christmas break.

It started with the chair.

Who was going to get to sit in the chair.

(Of course we have plenty of chairs but only one is the chair.)

From there it escalated into what movie we would watch.

I finally said,

“Turn off the tv and everyone go to bed.”

I don’t know how to help them.

I really don’t.

 

 

 

Friend Envy

29 Thursday Dec 2016

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Oh, the evils of FaceBook.

We all have them, don’t we?

That ONE friend who seems to be doing so much better than us in life.

Financially.

Socially.

Husband-ly.

The object of my friend-envy is someone I haven’t seen since my wedding.

(More evils of FaceBook.  Why are we even “friends” with these people?)

Her kids are a little older then mine, with the youngest one finishing college and the older ones all grown up and working “real” jobs.

She and her husband, though not officially retired, enjoy week ends jetting off here and there.  Ironically we were together the night she met her husband. She “called” him first.

I thought, “Fine. The friend is cuter anyway.”

Do I think I would be “her” if I had “called” him first.

Ha!

No, I don’t think that.

But I do look at her life and compare mine unfavorably.

That’s not good, I know.

And then tonight, it hit me.

All she did was pick a better (i.e. non-alcoholic) husband than me.

If Someone Won’t Swim…

26 Monday Dec 2016

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alcoholic father, how to survive an alcoholic husband, living with an alcoholic husband, you and your alcoholic husband

is it your fault if they drown?

I tried talking to my husband today about our marriage.

He said, to paraphrase, he’s tired of walking on egg shells around me; I am always angry and mad; nothing he does makes me happy; I am the unhappiest person he has ever met and…

Wait for it…

He doesn’t know how much more of our marriage he can take.

I looked around, half expecting to see Alice in Wonderland and the Mad Hatter popping out of the closet.

It’s insane.

It’s crazy.

It’s mindboggling.

And dangerous.

Do you know I have – and did – actually stop and think,

“Could his perception be the accurate one?”

Look, life is all about perception.

For even the healthiest of adults and relationships.

But some perceptions just have to be more accurate than others, don’t they?

In the alcoholic marriage, who is the problem?

Really?

Well, it can become that you both are.

I am angry.

I am unhappy though only with and around him.

He does piss me off with just about everything he does.

(And by “everything” he does, I mean the NOTHING that he does.)

But this is how I see it, the alcoholic spouse “starts” it.

How do you not become angry and moody and unhappy when you are called a fucking bitch, told to shut the fuck up and emotionally ignored and by passed by the one person who is suppose to be with you through it all?

The alcoholic starts it.

But it’s up to you and me to end it.

That is, we have to save ourselves, even if it means leaving our husbands behind to drown.

It’s not an easy choice.

Not in the least.

But you can’t make someone swim.

And you can’t make someone save their marriage or themselves.

…All is calm

25 Sunday Dec 2016

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Christmas in the alcoholic marriage, December 25 in the alcoholic household, how to live with an alcoholic husband, you and the alcoholic husband

Though I don’t know that all is bright.

Christmas 2017 is scooting itself closer and closer to the door.

If you have kids, you know that sometimes Santa really delivers and other times…

For whatever reason, it can seem as if Santa just missed the mark.

This year Santa out did him (her) self and all my kids were thrilled with the day.

We had dinner with my side of the family today –  having spent Christmas Eve with his side – and now everyone has taken to their own particular corner of the world to enjoy some time to themselves.

I don’t know that this Christmas was any different for me and my husband than the last five or six.

Perfunctory gifts between us.

I did all the preperation, gift buying and wrapping, decorating, cookie baking, etc., etc.

He drank and cursed.

By Christmas Eve I wanted him to drink enough so that he would come home, head straight to bed and I could play Santa.

The kids are happy.

They gave me many thanks for making it a “great” Christmas.

And for the most part, I held it together.

In the alcoholic household, that counts as a very, merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas

24 Saturday Dec 2016

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As the season draws to its conclusion, it seems that as the wife of an alcoholic, I have contradictory emotions.

I love the Christmas/holiday season.

And yet it is some of the worst times for those of us in an alcoholic marriage.

And so while saying good-bye to yet another Christmas and another year is a little bitter, saying good bye to the ramped-up alcoholic behavior is sweet.

I hope you have a gentle night and a joyful day tomorrow.

Through it all, I still believe…

Alcoholic – 752: Christmas Traditions – 0

23 Friday Dec 2016

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how to survive Christmas with an alcoholic; tips for dealing with an alcoholic husband; blog post alcoholic father

Why do I even try?

Why?

Do I?

EVEN!

Try?

It actually seemed to be working tonight.

Family all together watching a Christmas movie.

Of course the tension was bubbling just beneath the surface before the evening even began.

Tension over which movie to watch.

I’d ask you to guess who’s choice we ended up going with but that would be far too easy.

(In case you’re not quite sure, I’ll give you a hint: an alcoholic was involved in the decision…)

Couple hours into it and the next thing I know, while I am upstairs with one kid, another kid is running from the room crying.

When I asked my husband what happened, he said he didn’t know.

So guess what happened?

(And this one is not that easy.  Even by the alcoholic-in-the-house standard.)

My husband started yelling at Kid C because Kid B and and I were having a disagreement in the other room!

Ok, in case you thought you read that wrong, here goes again:

My middle son was fooling around and knocked off the wall – breaking – a Christmas decoration I had hanging up.  As I was chastising him for fooling around when I had told him to stop (shocking, huh?) my husband blamed our youngest son.

No, really.

My husband blamed a kid who was not even in the room for what another kid did.  When I asked my husband how that even made sense, he said,

“Because he was jumping around down here…”

“So?” I asked.  That’s not how the decoration got broken.

And that was all it took.

Fucking this and fucking that and, wait for it, he’s fucking tired of walking on egg shells all the time.

It’d be hysterical…

If it wasn’t so tragic.

 

I Quit Yesterday

22 Thursday Dec 2016

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Tags

how to survive the alcoholic marriage; tips for dealing with alcoholic husband; tips for living with an alcoholic

Well, at least from 10 am to 3 pm.

After I got  the kids to where they needed to be this morning, I was all slated to tackle the remaining Christmas duties.  Which by the way, I am responsible for ALL of Christmas.

If I want my kids to have a Christmas…

If there is to be a tree…

Presents…

Cookies…

Traditions…

Then I better make it happen.

It’s a lot and I work hard to enjoy the process.

I don’t want to hate Christmas.

But this morning, I thought,

“You know, I am not going to do ANYTHING today.”

Not one last present.

Not a batch of cookies.

Not a few more decorations.

Nothing.

I stayed in bed, sleeping and reading from 10 am to 3 pm.

It was delightful!

Merry Christmas to me!

Nothing Says Merry Christmas Like…

21 Wednesday Dec 2016

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watching a holiday movie with an alcoholic.

Maybe I should title this post, “Why Do I Try?”

I made a simple dinner, gathered everyone around the television and instructed them (basically) to watch a movie and have some %$# holiday cheer.

Not in so many words, of course, but that is what I was going for.

The first argument was over what movie to watch.

Then where was everyone sitting.

Then too many people were talking and they were too loud.

And so on and so on and so on.

And guess who was fueling most of the arguing and tension?

Ding, ding, ding if you said my alcoholic husband.

It was (is) sad, really.

Very sad.

We’re a broken family.

Plain and simple.

 

“Why…

17 Saturday Dec 2016

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can they still get to us?”

This is what a friend of mine, also married to an alcoholic, texted to me yesterday.

“I’m so mad at myself.  Why do I let him do this to me?”

I know it’s all well and good to say that we are in control of how people make us feel, that only we choose how we react to people, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah but I think that’s kind of, well bull shit.

We are human beings.

Human beings have sort of pre-set as to how they are going to react to certain things.

We don’t choose to be emotionally hurt, saddened or angered by certain behaviors any more than we choose to be physically hurt if someone punches us in the face.

Why can they still get to us?

Because it hurts to be lied to.  That’s a natural human reaction.

It hurts when a simple request is met with vitriole and condemnation.

It hurts when someone we love – the person who is suppose to be easing the burden of living – makes daily life painful.

They still get to us because we still care.

Not because we are weak.

Or stupid.

Or some ridiculous version of the pop-culture term “co-dependent.”

But because our souls are not (yet?) pickled.

Because even the beast of alcoholism takes a long time to kill the human heart.

And it’s a slow, painful death.

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