I’ve been thinking a lot lately about leaving my husband.
Not thinking about it in the way we all think about it – constantly but not seriously.
I’ve been thinking about it seriously.
Like I really am going to leave.
And when I truly allow myself to mentally experience the joy and elation and liberation of leaving, another emotion comes tagging along.
Though I guess it’s more like barging in.
Guilt.
Here’s what most people – people on the outside anyway – believe the alcoholic marriage-equation is
Alcoholic husband + Marriage = Leave him
Except the real equation is nothing that simple.
The real equation is like one of those math problems you see that covers an entire blackboard and super-genius human beings stand before it, pondering it for months, maybe even years, in search of the solution.
Why would any woman feel guilty about leaving a husband who is emotionally vacant.
Calls her horrific, debilitating names.
Takes alcohol as his mistress.
Causes tension and stress and anxiety in the home.
Because for all the chaos he causes in her…
For as much as it seems like he is the one in control…
And depsite how unstable he makes the rest of the family feel…
She knows.
She knows that the only (only, only, ONLY!) hope of stability for him is…
Her.
She is his foundation and he may be jackhammering the hell out of her but still…
She is his, albeit tenuous, tie to reality.
I’m not saying my husband would fall apart in an obvious way.
I don’t think he’d lose his job, become homeless and go live under a bridge.
But I do know.
I do know despite all his actions to the contrary, he needs me deeply.
I was a life guard in high school and college.
In the training they teach you how to release the panicked, death grip of a drowning victim.
If need be, if they are so panicked and out of control that they are a threat to your safety, you have to leave them.
Yes, to drown!
The thought of leaving my husband feels a little like this.
QuietRagingWaters 
I empathise. I have been trying to deal with feelings of guilt like this since I pulled the pin earlier this year. He is not handling it well. Is mystified. Hurt. Angry. Mine hasn’t worked for a few years and has become very much a recluse. Enfolding me in our isolation too. Now I am gone he is utterly lost. I am still around on the peripherals.
I recognise your build up. But the longer you endure the status quo the worse it becomes and yet harder to leave.
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I think about leaving too and also feel guilty. I feel guilty that I said “for better or worse” and therefore somehow I should be able to deal with the worse. I feel guilty that my husband does still tell me he loves me but I don’t say it back because I don’t think I love him anymore
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I started going to counseling because I’m still here after 10 years of seriously thinking about leaving … asking myself what am I really getting out this relationship that is healthy for me? Seriously looking at that, being honest with myself about how sad and hurt I really am and how living with my h. for another years “like this” doesn’t feel like the life I truly want, need or would hope on anyone – a friend, my daughter, anyone…why do I stay then? The counseling is helping little by little, working on building my own personal strength so I will be able to deal with the “harsh uglies, verbal assaults” that I know will follow my decision to leave…it’s not something I look forward to and the idea of it scares me. Need to get stronger in the months ahead, clearer in my mind, working on it each day. My counselor said the future and fear are good partners – that I don’t need to think too far ahead. For now, focusing on figuring out how I want to live and what i can do now to feel better, get stronger, see clearer.
Happy Holidays.
I just got told I am freaking annoying because I took a clean trash can into my sick husband’s man cave (in case he had kleenexes to dispose of, etc) he made the ugliest face saying it…like I am disgusting, looking at me with disdain. Earlier I had told him that maybe he should go to the dr. because it might be something other than a really bad cold/flu… since he’s been waking up congested previously and had told me about it. (I am a nurse)….
I really dislike him. I do not love him. I do not wish him ill will but I definitely will not accept him making me feel like a piece of crap just because he does… he hasn’t probably ingested enough alcohol and is going thru a dry drunk phase.
I would wish this on no one.
I am moving towards a real change too.
We have to, it is not a healthy life living this way.
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