Of course there are many (many, MANY) problems with the alcoholic marriage and the longer the alcoholic drinks, the less these problems are about drinking.

I mean of course at the core, the problems are about the drinking.  Everything – good, bad, ugly and indifferent – in the alcoholic marriage is about the drinking.  The drinking is the rotten foundation of your house crumbling beneath you.  But if you have a house with a bad foundation, eventually there are things that need to be fixed that while the initial problem was created by the rotten foundation, it is now it’s own issue.  Separate and apart from the foundation.

Recently I was at a fundraiser at one of my children’s schools (why a private school needs a “fund raiser,” I am still trying to figure out) and the woman who conceived of the idea, organized it and essentially ran the whole thing was doing the requisite thank yous, including, of course. her husband.  She spoke of how supportive and encourgaing he was and this thought (feeling) popped into my head though it’s probably not what you would think.

No, the feeling wasn’t about how my husband would never be supportive or encouraging about my endeavors.  The feeling (thought) was that I would not be able to stand up in front of a room full of strangers and be that relaxed and that ‘myself’ with my husband in the room watching.

Yep, that’s what came to me!

I could do it without my husband in the room.

I could speak to a room full of strangers no problem but I couldn’t speak to a room full of strangers with my husband present.

I would feel too exposed, too vulnerable, to bare in front of him.

And so you see,  even if my husband quit drinking tomorrow…

Even if he got a big bucket of cement and patched up that foundation…

There would still be so much more that needed repair.

As the saying goes, “hope springs eternal” and I think that must be no more truer than with the wives of alcoholics.

We hope.

We try.

We hope and try again and again and again.

Not because we are stupid or weak or “enablers.”

Not because we like the emotional discord and turmoil.

We hope and try because that’s who we are.

As women.

As human beings.

We’re caring, giving, loving women and so, even when it comes to our alcoholic husbands, we hope.

And try.

Last night I hoped.

And tried.

To have an honest conversation with my husband, which talk about an oxymoron, honest conversation with alcoholic husband is one for sure.  He kept trying to ratchet it up with yelling and blaming and I kept trying to bring it back down.  I tried to appeal to him as a partner, not the problem.  Finally I said,

“Sometimes it feels like you don’t have a singular warm feeling or emotion for me.”

And he said?

“Why should I?”

Yes, why should he.

Of course the answer is becasue I’m his wife.  The mother of his children.  A pretty nice human being as human beings go, if I do say so myself.

Now, as horrific and cruel as that comment was – cause it certainly was – the intention behind it wasn’t what it would appear to be.  He didn’t say that in an effort to win asshole-of-the-year.  Maybe a nice, accidental by product but that wasn’t his intention.

His intention was to shut down the conversation and head off any danger of real communication.

Yep.

The alcoholic just can’t…

Can’t, can’t, can’t, can’t look too deep into himself.

It’s a dark, scary, seemingly bottomless pit of despair in there and if he peers in.  If he tiptoes up to the rim and peaks over the edge…he might fall in.  He might be swallowed up.  He might see and hear and feel things he has spent many hours drinking in order to not see and hear and feel.

I use to wonder (really, I did. I pondered it, thought about it, tried to figure it out) why the alcoholic was so selfish.  So mean.  So self-centered and seemingly impervious to the rest of the world, its needs, feelings and even existence.

Well, after many, many years of living with an alcoholic (and the above-mentioned pondering) I think I have figured it out.

The alcoholic is in constant survival mode and what threatens his survival the most is himself.  And so he shuts out the world.

Not to avoid the world.

But to avoid himself.