I’m a liar.
As in I lie.
On a kind of a regular basis.
I use to think of myself as a very honest person.
I’ve told my nieces, my nephews, my own children that honesty is absolutely mandatory in life.
You can’t lie.
And yet I lie.
I didn’t start out that way.
But then I didn’t start out married to an alcoholic.
I lie because to tell the alcoholic the truth is to face his wrath and fury.
The first time I lied was when I bought a $100+ pair of running shoes and charged them on a credit card my husband knew nothing about.
It seems odd, looking back, that I was too intimidated to buy myself a pair of running shoes.
My husband scoffs at the thought that I am intimidated by him.
Just because you “do what you’re going to do,” as he puts it, doesn’t mean there isn’t intimidation.
I racked up a couple thousand dollars on that secret credit card.
My husband found the statement on the floor chewed up by our then puppy.
He felt betrayed and hurt.
I can’t blame him except he wouldn’t listen or consider my feelings when I tried to say I feel I have no voice in our marriage.
That was probably five years ago.
In a healthy marriage, that could have been an opportunity for growth.
In the alcoholic marriage it’s just more yelling and then the issue is left to fester beneath the surface.
My lying continues.
I see a therapist.
I lie about where I’m going.
I get speeding tickets.
I sneek the payment for them.
I spend money in convert ways.
I used to go to Al-Anon.
Lied about that.
Then tonight my husband was in one of his alcohol-induced rages and called me, among other things, a liar!
I said, “Well you are right about one thing. I am a liar.”
(He also called me bipolar which made me nearly break out in laughter. I have no idea where that one came from. It a new one, that’s for sure.)
I continued, “I do lie to you because I am intimidated by you. I’m afraid to tell you the truth and so I am going to start now. First, I’m keeping the dog (we found a stray dog that he doesn’t want to keep now that it seems certain no owner is coming for him.) and second, I see a therapist and I am going to reimburst myself from our medical flex fund for her fees. I’m not sneaking around seeing her or paying her anymore.”
And I walked away.
I went to my car to get the therapist’s receipts and I found not one, but TWO speeding tickets I had gotten within a week of one another. (From those speed cameras.) I had taken them out of the mail and was planning to pay them in secret.
But instead tonight, I went on line and paid those two tickets, reimbursed myself nearly $2000 from months of therapy and petted my new dog.
The truth DOES set you free!