Monthly Archives: May 2016

The Quiet Rage

30 Monday May 2016

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My husband is “different” than a lot of alcoholics – from my unscientific survey anyway.

He doesn’t demand sex.

He doesn’t act like we are a happily married couple.

He doesn’t stay out at bars all day and/or night.

He doesn’t cheat on me, spend the mortgage money, ask me to call in sick to work for him or do any of the things the “typical” alcoholic does.

He just goes to work…

Comes home…

Drinks…

(Or maybe not on some night)

And then wakes up and does it all again in the morning.

He is emotionally GONE from the marriage, from me, from the kids.

Probably truth be told, from himself as well.

Anywhere from every three to four to even six or eight weeks, his mood cycles around and he yells and screams and curses (maybe more frequent if I dare “confront” him on anything or attempt marital communication with him)and withdraws even further.

Until he’s back but by back I mean just not sulking about.

He’s never really emotionally Back.

For the women married to alcoholics who are raging and drinking and demanding sex, falling down drunk every night, spending the grocery money on booze, etc., etc., etc. my life can almost seemed “charmed.”

In the alcoholic world anyway.

But don’t underestimate the effect the lack of emotional, physical and mental intimacy in a marriage can have on a partner.

Sometimes I forget there are men who kiss their wives good bye in the morning, hello in the evening and even just because they WANT TO!

I forget that there are men who like to do things for their wives just because it makes them happy.

I forget there are men who DON’T do things because it makes their wives happy.

I forget all this and more on a conscious, daily level but I have not forgotten on the deeper level.

I am mad.

I am resentful.

And it all is residing (festering) within me.

Daily I endure this quiet rage…

That no one else hears.

 

 

I Am A Liar

20 Friday May 2016

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I’m a liar.

As in I lie.

On a kind of a regular basis.

I use to think of myself as a very honest person.

I’ve told my nieces, my nephews, my own children that honesty is absolutely mandatory in life.

You can’t lie.

And yet I lie.

Too much.

I didn’t start out that way.

But then I didn’t start out married to an alcoholic.

I lie because to tell the alcoholic the truth is to face his wrath and fury.

The first time I lied was when I bought a $100+ pair of running shoes and charged them on a credit card my husband knew nothing about.

It seems odd, looking back, that I was too intimidated to buy myself a pair of running shoes.

My husband scoffs at the thought that I am intimidated by him.

Just because you “do what you’re going to do,” as he puts it, doesn’t mean there isn’t intimidation.

I racked up a couple thousand dollars on that secret credit card.

My husband found the statement on the floor chewed up by our then puppy.

He felt betrayed and hurt.

I can’t blame him except he wouldn’t listen or consider my feelings when I tried to say I feel I have no voice in our marriage.

That was probably five years ago.

In a healthy marriage, that could have been an opportunity for growth.

In the alcoholic marriage it’s just more yelling and then the issue is left to fester beneath the surface.

My lying continues.

I see a therapist.

I lie about where I’m going.

I get speeding tickets.

I sneek the payment for them.

I spend money in convert ways.

I used to go to Al-Anon.

Lied about that.

Then tonight my husband was in one of his alcohol-induced rages and called me, among other things, a liar!

I said, “Well you are right about one thing.  I am a liar.”

(He also called me bipolar which made me nearly break out in laughter. I have no idea where that one came from.  It a new one, that’s for sure.)

I continued, “I do lie to you because I am intimidated by you.  I’m afraid to tell you the truth and so I am going to start now.    First, I’m keeping the dog (we found a stray dog that he doesn’t want to keep now that it seems certain no owner is coming for him.) and second, I see a therapist and I am going to reimburst myself from our medical flex fund for her fees.  I’m not sneaking around seeing her or paying her anymore.”

And I walked away.

I went to my car to get the therapist’s receipts and I found not one, but TWO speeding tickets I had gotten within a week of one another.  (From those speed cameras.) I had taken them out of the mail and was planning to pay them in secret.

But instead tonight, I went on line and paid those two tickets, reimbursed myself nearly $2000 from months of therapy and petted my new dog.

The truth DOES set you free!

 

Still An Alcoholic

10 Tuesday May 2016

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As it turns out, I’m not much of a blogger.

Writer yes but blogger no.

This blogging thing is harder than it looks.

As well as the “unique” sort of alcoholic my husband is.

He does not supply me with “material” everyday from which to draw inspiration for my writing from.

I suppose in many ways I am “lucky.”

My husband is not physically abusive.

He does not lose jobs, get locked up or stay out all night in the bars.

He does not chase other women, tell me I am ugly or engage in much of the other insanely destructive and hurtful behavior of alcoholics.

But he’s still an alcoholic.

Which means there is a cloud, a significant cloud that he casts over our household and family.

Frankly, my children are not very nice to one another.

In fact, sadly, we’re not very nice to one another as a family.

Tonight it seemed a rare (RARE!) moment was unfolding as me and all three kids sat playing and talking around the dining room table.  But of course “one thing led to another” and eventually they were all going at each other and I eventually lose it.

All this without my husband even present!

I told them,

“We suck as a family!”

And it’s true.

To further the point, my husband came up and told me I had “lost my fucking mind.”

I told him that right there was 50% of the problem.

It comes from the top down.

And so while the bills are paid, his job is stable, he’s home every night and and there is no physical abuse, ghosts of other women or a record of DUI’s hanging around…

He’s still an alcoholic.

And that never does a family good.